Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
People in love make me want to vomit
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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