I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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