Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
