he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
