I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
a search helicopter?!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
