mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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