afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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