Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
is wine microwaveable?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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