Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
