Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
