God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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