Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
