If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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