I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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