Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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