At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
