I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I look better un-naked...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
