as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
