Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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