My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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