So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Randomize
