The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
