Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
