if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
