It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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