It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can't turn off my feet"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
