Your face is a jimmy john
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Drake has all the answers
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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