Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
