life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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