I met the friendliest cop last night
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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