remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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