Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
