My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
