Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
