she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
