There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
