John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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