tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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