Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
