I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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