it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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