is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
