talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
