Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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