Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
