my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
