I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I need moral support for this bender
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
