There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
