we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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