apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
